I just finished watching the documentary “Bridegroom”. It is a love story,
tragedy, story of family (biological and of choice), of coming out and of
self-acceptance. It made me cry, laugh,
it enraged me and it made me reflect on my own coming out and journey of
self-acceptance. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend
that you watch it.
This writing is about love and acceptance. Coming out is just apart of that. I came out when I was 15 years old. There wasn’t a big party, there wasn’t much
talk, it was just the time when I finally realized that I likes girls more that
boys and acted on it. It made me realize that for years, since childhood, I
fought these feelings and as a result developed poor and harmful coping
skills. My life has been a journey of
unlearning, relearning, believing and accepting what is good and real.
Recently, I was visiting my mom after she had a serious
health scare. We agreed that we would
talk about anything that was bothering us, had questions about or just needed
to say. We agreed that we would “get it
all out on the table”. I feel very
close to my mom and have for some time but there were a couple things I had
never talked to her about or asked her.
One of them was my “coming out” to her.
I told her that I don’t remember ever having a conversation with her
about being gay and I wanted to know what her recollection of that time
was. As she shared her memory of that
time in our lives it became painfully clear how much other “shit” was going on
in our lives and that my being gay was way down on the food chain. As a terribly self-absorbed adolescent (I
really think self-absorbed is part of the official definition of adolescence) I
was not aware of all the struggles that my mom was going through. It was just she and I, and most of the time
it was just her and she was trying to provide for us in every way. I was nowhere to be found - even if I was
physically present, I wasn’t there. My
mom loved me no matter what…this I believe with all my heart. She didn’t turn her back on me, she didn’t
condemn me to a fiery hell, she didn’t shame me, she didn’t do a lot of the
horrible things that I hear almost on a daily basis that parents do to their
children for being true to who they are.
She loved me! And she loves me even more to this day.
It is still difficult to believe that there are some people,
even in my family who may not like me simply because I am gay. Intellectually I get it but in my heart it
makes no sense. Living in North Idaho
gays are continually bombarded with the strong Christian belief that
homosexuals are an abomination and are all going straight to hell. It baffles me that they can judge without
even knowing me or any number of wonderful gay friends I have. I will save that rant for another time.
Back to love and self-acceptance…and
coming out. After I got out of college I
met a man (who was also gay) we spent a lot of time together, grew to love each
other and got married. Wow, life was so
much easier – for a while. It was easier
when I was coaching to tell a parent “I’m married” and not have to field
questions about being gay like I know a lot of coaches do. It was easier in the work place to say “my
husband”. It was easier to go to family
gatherings and not feel bad for introducing my partner as “my roommate or my
friend”. It just seemed easier, until it
wasn’t! After 15 years of marriage and
most of it playing the straight game I finally came back out…this time for good
and for real. It was the first time I
used the words “Mom, I am gay”. Once I
told her and she said “honey, it’s ok, I just want you to be happy”, my world
opened up again. You see, my world had
been reduced to the size of a thimble.
For the last ten years I have worked to build that world back up one
truth at a time. Today I can honestly
say I am happy being exactly who I am.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do and that I am all put together
but it does mean that I will never again deny my truth and who I am. I am loved and accepted, by those who
matter.
In October I got a tattoo on my
forearm that reads “Truth * Passion”. The Spiral is a sacred symbol that reminds me
of my evolving journey in life and the power to flow and change. This is a constant reminder that I must live
my truth and live with passion. I can’t
imagine my world without my mom in it. She is my constant champion and role
model. When that day comes that she is
not physically here anymore I know that she will always be in my every thought
and action when I am living true and she knows that I will always be loved and
accepted.
Until next time, be true and live with passion!
For four years my mom went to every single basketball game (home and away). On this trip, she stopped by my hotel room just to say hi and probably to bring snacks.
Mom, Amy and I at Amy's and my commitment ceremony in 2006. It meant so much to me that she was there to share in such a special night.
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